Why We Can Never Recover From First Love
IFTIKHAR-KHAN 2014/03/22 09:42
IFTIKHAR-KHAN 2014/03/22 09:42
First relationships can be intense,
passionate and inspire a great deal of bad
poetry. But, according to new research, if
you want to find happiness in later life, it is
best to avoid puppy love altogether.
The claim comes in a book called Changing
Relationships, a collection of new research
papers by Britain's leading sociologists,
edited by Dr Malcolm Brynin, principal
research officer at the Institute for Social
and Economic Research at the University of
Essex.
Brynin found that the euphoria of first love
can damage future relationships.
"Remarkably, it seems that the secret to
long-term happiness in a relationship is to
skip a first relationship," said Brynin. "In an
ideal world, you would wake up already in
your second relationship."
While researching the components of
successful long-term partnerships, Brynin
found intense first loves could set
unrealistic benchmarks, against which we
judge future relationships. "If you had a
very passionate first relationship and allow
that feeling to become your benchmark for
a relationship dynamic, then it becomes
inevitable that future, more adult
partnerships will seem boring and a
disappointment," he said.
Adults in successful long-term partnerships
are those who have taken a calm, pragmatic
view of what they need from a relationship,
Brynin found. "The problems start if you try
not only to get everything you need for an
adult relationship, but also strive for the
heights of excitement and intensity you had
in your first experience of love. The solution
is clear: if you can protect yourself from
intense passion in your first relationship,
you will be happier in your later
relationships."
Dr Gayle Brewer, a lecturer in social
psychology at the University of Central
Lancashire, agreed: "If you judge adult
relationships against your first relationship,
you are using a single benchmark: that of
an intense and unrealistic passion," she
said. "Adult relationships need all sorts of
other virtues to survive, many of which are
not compatible with that level of intensity.
For example, you might have felt passionate
about your first love because their
spontaneity was breathtakingly exciting.
"Adult relationships, however, require
people to be committed and reliable.
Someone who excels in spontaneity is
unlikely to also have those characteristics.
So you're caught in a bind: the
characteristics that excite you are the ones
that lead to the failure of an adult
relationship. If you emotionally fixate on
having the excitement, while knowing you
need the reliability, you're making demands
that no relationship can satisfy," she added.
But Professor Helen Fisher, an
anthropologist at Rutgers University in New
Jersey, believes that striving for that initial
intensity of emotion can help relationships
to survive. Using MRI scans, Fisher observed
similar brain activity among those who had
been happily married for more than two
decades with those who had been in
relationships for less than six months.
"I found incontrovertible, physiological
evidence that romantic love can last," she
said. "It appears that romantic love exists
not only to initiate pair-bonding but to
maintain and enhance long-term
relationships.
passionate and inspire a great deal of bad
poetry. But, according to new research, if
you want to find happiness in later life, it is
best to avoid puppy love altogether.
The claim comes in a book called Changing
Relationships, a collection of new research
papers by Britain's leading sociologists,
edited by Dr Malcolm Brynin, principal
research officer at the Institute for Social
and Economic Research at the University of
Essex.
Brynin found that the euphoria of first love
can damage future relationships.
"Remarkably, it seems that the secret to
long-term happiness in a relationship is to
skip a first relationship," said Brynin. "In an
ideal world, you would wake up already in
your second relationship."
While researching the components of
successful long-term partnerships, Brynin
found intense first loves could set
unrealistic benchmarks, against which we
judge future relationships. "If you had a
very passionate first relationship and allow
that feeling to become your benchmark for
a relationship dynamic, then it becomes
inevitable that future, more adult
partnerships will seem boring and a
disappointment," he said.
Adults in successful long-term partnerships
are those who have taken a calm, pragmatic
view of what they need from a relationship,
Brynin found. "The problems start if you try
not only to get everything you need for an
adult relationship, but also strive for the
heights of excitement and intensity you had
in your first experience of love. The solution
is clear: if you can protect yourself from
intense passion in your first relationship,
you will be happier in your later
relationships."
Dr Gayle Brewer, a lecturer in social
psychology at the University of Central
Lancashire, agreed: "If you judge adult
relationships against your first relationship,
you are using a single benchmark: that of
an intense and unrealistic passion," she
said. "Adult relationships need all sorts of
other virtues to survive, many of which are
not compatible with that level of intensity.
For example, you might have felt passionate
about your first love because their
spontaneity was breathtakingly exciting.
"Adult relationships, however, require
people to be committed and reliable.
Someone who excels in spontaneity is
unlikely to also have those characteristics.
So you're caught in a bind: the
characteristics that excite you are the ones
that lead to the failure of an adult
relationship. If you emotionally fixate on
having the excitement, while knowing you
need the reliability, you're making demands
that no relationship can satisfy," she added.
But Professor Helen Fisher, an
anthropologist at Rutgers University in New
Jersey, believes that striving for that initial
intensity of emotion can help relationships
to survive. Using MRI scans, Fisher observed
similar brain activity among those who had
been happily married for more than two
decades with those who had been in
relationships for less than six months.
"I found incontrovertible, physiological
evidence that romantic love can last," she
said. "It appears that romantic love exists
not only to initiate pair-bonding but to
maintain and enhance long-term
relationships.
SAFDAR 2014/03/22 14:44
is it really impossible to forgot your first love . first touch ... first kiss..that first sensation of be in love i think first feeling always fresh in our minds like a fresh morning Breeze.till the last breath of our life...
its so dificult to forget firs love
is it really impossible to forgot your first love . first touch ... first kiss..that first sensation of be in love i think first feeling always fresh in our minds like a fresh morning Breeze.till the last breath of our life...
its so dificult to forget firs love
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